The Bruni Digest

In which I sit on a dirt mound somewhere in Brooklyn with my ears pricked, waiting for New York Times head restaurant critic Frank Bruni, who I imagine to be a Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar, to dole out stars from the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe. This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge faberge egg of hilarity.

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Location: New York, New York, U.S. Outlying Islands

I am fiscally irresponsible, which means I have weak bones and a dorsal fin. And a penchant for dining out, even though I am, in the words of many rich people, a "poor people". I make a different face when speaking each of the foreign languages in which I am shittily proficient.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Shaburi: Torturing the Drama Nerd (warning: TOTALLY tangential post)

Oh man, I SPRINTED back to the cozy, dorktastic arms of Brunes in the Diners Journal today after having read “Showdown in the Kitchen,” Bittman’s braggy and defensive “article” about [several-page ADVERTISEMENT for] his new TV show entitled “How to Cook Everything: Bittman Takes On America's Chefs,” the hypermacho point of which is:

“Mark Bittman is a REALLY good cook, and if HE had teams of assistants and a $6 million kitchen, he’d be Jean-Daniel Bouluvichterpuck, too.”

Remember how in high school there were Civil War buff fencing-team drama kids that were perpetual embarrassments to themselves (you know, ‘cause they had to carry épees around and run their “Carousel” lines out loud) but then grew up and turned out to be really cool? And then there were those prickish self-assured athletes that totally reigned but were secretly peaking as they banged Tina Prendermuff in the hot tub at the Shelton Inn and are now in Pensacola coaching a girl’s Catholic basketball team and doing a lot of coke? I’m just saying. I think Bittman peaked. And I think Bruni, proverbially speaking, is going to grow up and be really cool.

That said, due to lines like these from this week’s report on shabu shabu joint Shaburi, I still feel the unalienable right to chant “Wed-GIE! Wed-GIE!” while I hoist Frank in the air by his waistband:

“About that beef: it was advertised as Matsusaka-style and characterized by our server as a cut above Kobe, which seems to be the hot new claim. It came from cattle raised in a specially pampered manner in Idaho, Oregon and Washington. As it cost $69 for about seven ounces, I hope and assume the pampering includes Tivo, Opus One spritzers and bovine facials.”

Bovine facials? Oh my God. Get OVER HERE, you fucking geek!

3 Comments:

Anonymous josh said...

from curbed.com today:

Bruni Dines at Shaburi, Gets Strong Buzz
Two takes on the meat at Shaburi, the new shabu shabu joint on E. 39th:

The beef in particular—in several grades, all the way up to Kobe and Matsukaza (one step above Kobe—these cows apparently get Tivo in addition to premium cable and daily sake massages before they are turned into your dinners)—is deep ruby red, lustrous and gorgeously marbled. -Andrea Strong, The Strong Buzz, 3/5/05

About that beef...It came from cattle raised in a specially pampered manner in Idaho, Oregon and Washington. As it cost $69 for about seven ounces, I hope and assume the pampering includes Tivo, Opus One spritzers and bovine facials. -Frank Bruni, New York Times, 4/15/05

We don't want to say nothing, but something ain't right here.

3:54 PM, April 15, 2005  
Blogger wienerphilharmonic said...

Is it possible that Kobe beef ACTUALLY DO GET TIVO??

Maybe Bruni and A. Strong both did some hard, cold factual research?

4:44 PM, April 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What? How could you rag on Mark Bittman's Reheating Leftovers For Stoners column? Without his sage advice that soy sauce is tasty on fish, vegetables, noodles etc. I'd be lost at sea!

And I totally agree about our little Frank! He's blossoming into a beautiful swan! It's almost as if he's been reading the gentle ribbing and taking it in stride. Go little flower bird, go!

9:50 PM, April 17, 2005  

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