The Bruni Digest

In which I sit on a dirt mound somewhere in Brooklyn with my ears pricked, waiting for New York Times head restaurant critic Frank Bruni, who I imagine to be a Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar, to dole out stars from the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe. This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge faberge egg of hilarity.

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Location: New York, New York, U.S. Outlying Islands

I am fiscally irresponsible, which means I have weak bones and a dorsal fin. And a penchant for dining out, even though I am, in the words of many rich people, a "poor people". I make a different face when speaking each of the foreign languages in which I am shittily proficient.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Bette: Thinking Outside Frank's Box

Dude! Frank totally dropped a bomb today in the Diner's Journal (which he OBVIOUSLY wrote in an actual DIARY at Beppe, smirking at his neighboring tables and licking his quill nib.)

Frank has woken me up to my narrow-mindedness: no more of my sniffing the trail of his journalistic excrescence like a braindead bloodhound, and then yowling about it pointlessly into the virtual night, JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I SET OUT TO DO! Like a mindless sheep, following my stated mission! If the Diner's Journal is now Page 6 then from now on, I shall be using the Bruni Digest to post pictures of absurdly cute baby animals.


Oh damn. You are the cutest.


Oh my god! Stop the press! Baby mastiff!! I’m freaking out!


Holy shit, look how big your paws are! You are so cute, I’m like dumping in my pants!


what animal even are you? Who cares! Your mommy loves you so much, I’m having a heart attack! SO CUTE.


Oh Jesus Christ are you a handful of adorable! Call the cops! This little lovenut is nuzzling too hard, it’s got to be illegal! Stop nuzzling you cute little SHIT! I LOVE YOU!


I’m literally going to kill myself. You are so GRAY and DUSTY! You are so TIRED FROM LIFE! WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED ALREADY? IS IT CAUSE YOU ARE SO CUTE IT’S EXHAUSTING???? I AM GOING TO STAB MY EYES OUT IF I LOOK AT YOU ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE RETARD! I LIVE FOR YOU!!!!

OK, I'm not emotionally capable of continuing this. We're going back to the old Bruni Digest. Phew. Someone bring me a picture of Rutger Hauer, I need to calm down.

But you know, people may criticize the Bruninator for not discussing food. But it's like, WHY SHOULD HE??? Let's all take our bras off, smoke some ree-ree, and break the journalistic constraints that are imposed on us! Krugman, dawg, let's hear your style report! Hey, Liz Smith, what's the word on Baghdad?? C'mon people, I'm doing it, Frank's doing it, hop on board the freedom train.


And yes, Alto to follow. Sorry. I'm in Finland. I've been pickled in 8% beer.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Julia, I don't think people will get this one unless they can actually hear you making that insane bat squeal you do whenever you get around puppies. "OOOHHMMMMMMEEEEEGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAD"

11:04 AM, July 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had laughed so hard about the cuteness captions, especially the 'little retard' comment. it changed to little struggler, what happened? PC police threaten to arrest you?

1:50 PM, July 19, 2005  
Blogger Jules said...

HA! That is amazing.

No, I just changed it on a whim when I went back to replace a photo. But you're right, I did delete "fur turd" and "little retard". Aww, look at him. He is TOTALLY retarded.

P.S. it seems a propos to mention that I had a neighbor growing up, who owned a chain of hot dog stands, and had a brain damaged golden retriever named Bob, who had been oxygen deprived at birth, and he was NNNNOT cute. He humped the ADT alarm watch sign outside the house for about 11 hours a day, until it cracked in half (n.b. it was made of steel) and he had a face like a very thirsty and confused Judith Light. Not cute.

2:41 PM, July 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"YOU LITTLE RETARD! I LIVE FOR YOU!!!!" ...that is what I say to my boyfriend every night before I fall asleep.

1:58 PM, August 05, 2005  

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