I also read about television. But I PROMISE that's it. No, like, literature.
As I started to skim this article in the Television section of the Times today about the new “Kitchen Confidential” TV show, I was struck by the stylistic flamboyance of the piece. This was no “Straight-Shooter” Stanley, no “Hot Shot” Heffernan. When my titillated gaze jumped up to check the byline, it recalled the moment I found out that Santa was really Mommy: I had already, in my heart, intuited the truth (how could 2 strangers, one a suburban housewife, the other an overweight elderly Scandinavian philanthropist, have the exact same retarded, illegible handwriting? No, my instincts knew best). Frank's distinctive voice is as unmistakable to me now as my own mother's Stevie Wonder psycho-scrawl.
“The meek better move to the end of the line. Chefs will inherit the earth. They have their product lines, publishing contracts and reality shows. Their empires traverse oceans. Their antics pepper gossip columns.”
Got that, Bible? Chefs, not Meek, to inherit earth. (Although I don’t know what my line-cook boyfriend would have to say about that… sometimes he inherits meats that are rotting or leftover cheese, but that’s about it.) Moving on.
“And now comes an additional helping of affirmation: a comedy on Fox that means to be hip, strives to be irreverent and wagers that nothing says lovin' like a stud muffin at the oven.”
NOTHIN SAYS LOVIN LIKE A STUD MUFFIN AT THE OVEN. That’s right, additionally, Fox is wagering that “if the beefcake’s shakin’ there’s a bacon in the makin.’” Said one studio exec, “[Cooper’s] buns are made for slappin’, gonna tap him till I’m crappin’!”
“The muffin man in ‘Kitchen Confidential’ is played by Bradley Cooper, familiar from ‘Alias’ and finally getting the kind of front-burner role he deserves.”
If you’re playing the Thematic “Kitchen” Metaphor Drinking Game, now would be an appropriate time for a shot of Jaeger.
Although in all fairness, he does deserve front-burner roles. At least, my front is burning just looking at him.
“He brings the show an ample measure of heat and a dollop of hope, his presence almost engaging enough to redeem an overstuffed, overbaked first episode.”
Bing! Bing bing! Jaeger shots all around! And you're going to want to get one of those extra big Skidmore/LeHigh commemorative sorority event quintuple-shooters for the conclusion:
Commemorating historic UVA girls' favorite places to bone athletes.
"Some viewers may well find a savory treat here. Others may want to hold out for the inevitable next phase in epicurean adulation, a Broadway musical about a quixotic Spanish visionary and his beloved steel griddle.
Anybody for 'Man of La Plancha?'"
No, but, funny coincidence, I am up for a role as one of the dead piglets competing for a place in a sack of herbed saltwater in this fall’s Off-Off-Broadway production of “A Chorus Brine.”