The Bruni Digest

In which I sit on a dirt mound somewhere in Brooklyn with my ears pricked, waiting for New York Times head restaurant critic Frank Bruni, who I imagine to be a Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar, to dole out stars from the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe. This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge faberge egg of hilarity.

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Location: New York, New York, U.S. Outlying Islands

I am fiscally irresponsible, which means I have weak bones and a dorsal fin. And a penchant for dining out, even though I am, in the words of many rich people, a "poor people". I make a different face when speaking each of the foreign languages in which I am shittily proficient.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

D'or Anh: B'or Ing

Dear D’or Anh,

Ha! What a mystery you are! What an enigma! Your food—and you don’t mind if I publish this in the New York Times, do you?—your food is ethereal and transfixing, i.e. confusing and crappy, and yet, welcome! Your mere existence tickles the lacy bloomers that descend to my mid-calf! Without places like you to mangle dry cod and rubberize beef in an Icarian attempt at success, how very boooooooring this city would be! Ah, my little Franco-Korean concubine, thank you for your adorable effort.

Veuillez accepter mes sentiments les meilleurs,

Le Frank



This little epistle was found beside the golden bidet in Frank’s chateau and leaked to me by his maid.

“Arf Arf Arf!!”
“What, Fido? LITTLE JONNY FELL DOWN A WELL??? “
“Arf Arf Arf!”
“Oooooooh, Frank’s using mascara again. Got it.”


And, if you could stay awake long enough to notice, the Count published those sentiments exactly in this week’s review:

“D'or Ahn isn't a great restaurant, and on its clumsier nights it isn't even a very good one. But it's a terrific example of why anyone who loves eating out has to love New York, a welcome reminder of the optimism and the deep well of ideas that drive the city's dining scene.”

But something else happened at D’or Anh…something …chemical. Frank is totally confused, like someone on AmBien who’s fighting sleep, like James Bond ten seconds after being poisoned but not quite dead, like me circa 11 pm on a Tuesday—in a word, he’s effed up.

The royal bizzity bizzity bong.

The confusatrix? Perhaps it is the seductive/deranged proprietress, the fluttering ephemera which is Lannie Ahn herself:
“Ms. Ahn flutters about...”

“...approaching diners with a spoken introduction to the restaurant that should be more practiced than it is. She talks about French standards, Korean flair, eclecticism…She seems at once ecstatic and slightly pained, inspired and unnerved, all of which may well foreshadow your own reaction to D'or Ahn.”

Wha? Uh oh. This is shaping up to be a bit of a Red Cat: nothing and everything, inspired and unnerved, sublime and retarded. It seems as though the question “What is this restaurant like?” is not as important as the question “Exactly how sick will Peyote make you if you melt it in a spoon and take it nasally?”

“[D'or Anh is] loaded with charm, rife with frustrations and impossible to pigeonhole.”


"Well, I'm kiiiind of a genetic freak but I'm also rabid, ambidextrous and gay. So, I'm tough to categorize."

But seriously, as yet, I have nnnoooooo sense of what this place is like. Mayhaps the food will make things clearer?

“The most riveting of the small plates, and one of the least small, was thin slices of eye round of beef, which had been dusted with sweet rice flour and seared in oil.”

Ah! Ok! So the Count enjoyed this beef, yes?

“These cutlets were more ethereal than I realized fried beef could be - maybe too ethereal, and thus an illustration of one of the restaurant's frustrations. The kitchen turned out a great deal of food more intriguing than satisfying, with a sense of surprise that wasn't matched by a payoff in flavor.”

TOO ETHEREAL. TOO ETHEREAL. Hey Lannie, couldya do somethin’ about that beef? It was too ethereal. Maybe you could drag it through some compost? I don’t know, find an accomodating donkey to take a serious dump on it? Maybe a pachaderm? Just something a little more…how to say…terrestrial? Thanks!

Yes, that's better! Bon apetit!

An exception was that terrific poussin, one of a handful of entrees on a section of the menu titled "more."

A terrific Poussin, get it?? Kill yourself, Jules.

Ahem, back to the review: Frank’s take on the food is equally opaque. I’ve got my big dumb jaw dropped in what would be characterized as a major “WHA?” Additionally, so far there’s been a—for me, at least—saddening absence of Brunisms, those wacktastic rhinestones that make Wednesdays so Beadazzled.

There's just one little metaphor, but next to the full-on brass band of metaphors we're used to, this is but a tiny taco-fart:

“Inventiveness and affectation are next-door neighbors, and D'or Ahn leaps frequently over the fence between the two.”
(Don’t worry, he’ll extend the metaphor later.)

“An oxtail ragout was advertised as an accompaniment for slices of rib-eye, but what and where was it?”

Well, if it’s in line with the rest of this review, the ragout is probably hanging out with a bunch of 35-year old douchebag gallerists at the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert, naked save for a Hopi ritual sash and a mouthful of pot-croissant..


Almost. The ragout is actually “in the middle of a dry, unappealing mung bean cake, which gave the plate another component and geometric element but no more appeal.”
Another component and geometric element but no appeal. So yet again: through an elaborate Baroque ironwork gable of language you can peer into a hidden private estate of SUCKAGE. Nice.

"Poached black cod was unusually dry one time, wonderfully silken the next. It came with a mustard bread pudding that found D'or Ahn on the desirable side of that fence."

WHAT FENCE?? that's right, it's the fence between inventiveness and affectation, located in the town of Irrelevantville, in the County of YourRestaurantStillBlows, in the province of ButIDon'tKnowHowToSayThatSimply,ThankGod.

It's a Gaelic province.

“But whichever way D'or Ahn leapt, the gesture commanded attention.”
Kind of the way a FAS baby commands attention the first time it ice skates, i.e. with terrifying precariousness and almost unmitigated failure.

“I wasn't conventionally delighted by the fiery chili ice cream with a Korean pear upside-down cake, but I was transfixed by it.”

Dude, everything looks fuckin' awesome when you're fuckin' trippin out, man. Sick. This one time I was smokin' a fatty doob and I thought Dave Matthews was sitting in the back seat of my Saab cause I could hear him talking, and then I was like, dude, it's a CD. So yeah...what was I talking about?

Confusion is really the theme of the day: "the resounding successes don't outnumber the curiosities yet - but their effort is an earnest, thoughtful and welcome one."

You know, when my brother gave me a stick of butter for Christmas-- and this was during my younger, more corpulent years-- with the suggestion that it might help me get through doorways, was it his way of saying "I love you?" No, it wasn't. But it was his way of saying "I'm glad you're here to make fun of. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink competitively with my fraternity."

Maybe Frank's message is the same except that his stick-o-butter came with a little seedling to plant in the floorboards of their Enchanting Cottage of Confusing Crap and watch grow: a star.

How come that star is so round...and little...and white....?

P.s. Anyone who can interpret the meaning of the title of Frank's review ("So Ambitious, So Impossibly Thin"), which seems like it was ripped off the cover of another US Weekly celeb anorexposee, gets my serious respect.

101 Comments:

Anonymous Kenny T said...

YOu are a genius!

3:03 PM, November 09, 2005  
Anonymous Rob said...

That was hilarious. It's been a while since I had a reason to laugh out loud at work.

3:14 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger happy-go paradeboy said...

Jules, the title of the piece is like one of those zen koans. You know, sound of one hand clapping/ angels dancing on pin heads, that sort of thing. Very deep and metaphysical. either that or it's advertising copy for some feminine product.

4:55 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Jules said...

Honestly, I'm just excited about having discovered "anorexposee." Since morning I've been fashioning, out of margarine and rubber bands, an Oscar for myself for Best Performance in the Discovery of a New Snarky Term.

5:20 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger happy-go paradeboy said...

and let the countdown begin. First usage of "anorexposee" on Gawker et al. in how many hours? You had damn sure get that copyrighted. And get yourself an agent, someone wiry but with Yakuza killing skills.

6:28 PM, November 09, 2005  
Anonymous bshanahan said...

that was just the most riotous thing ...maybe my favorite of all your gems. the "dave matthews talking in the back of your Saab" section made me howl, i could just see and hear it. very very damn funny.

9:24 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger Pip Harper said...

Dave Matthews... ew.

Sorry I wasn't more attentive, I had someone training me...

3:32 AM, November 10, 2005  
Anonymous m said...

I think the title of Frankie's article is referring to how narrow the restaurant is: "The narrow space at Chelsea's edge where D'or Ahn serves Korean-French fusion."
But who knows? His title's make about as much sense as his star system.

4:21 PM, November 11, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess this is only for New Yorkers. Us dumb folks in the Midwest just don't get it.

11:13 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Cocoasister said...

I don't know about Anonymous, but I'm Canadian, and I get...

11:28 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats. The story profiling your blog is currently headlined on the Yahoo home page, so expect a lot more traffic today. You've reached blogger nirvana: a national audience!

11:31 AM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger marcus aurelius said...

"This one time I was smokin' a fatty doob and I thought Dave Matthews was sitting in the back seat of my Saab cause I could hear him talking, and then I was like, dude, it's a CD. So yeah...what was I talking about?"

The Times writing style in a nut shell.

You are too funny, I shall dub thee "The (in)sultin' of Brun(e)i"

11:37 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Simply brilliant!

11:40 AM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Mrs. Wonderful said...

Oooh, the pressure now... Yahoo sent me here! Good luck!

11:43 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...hmm..."So Ambitious, So Impossibly Thin"...? I remember this one. He's like that poor guy from Deuce Bigelow...y'know. He's probably got 12", but ah...sadness...it reaches so far and gets him nowhere.

11:45 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Craig Lawless said...

I am a midwesterner, yet I somehow seem to get it - perhaps "Anonymous" should watch The Daily Show to sharpen his cultural wit receptors.
Aside from your pointedly excellent deconstructions of Bruni's reviews, I think what adds to your posts are the pictures, which are actually posted at the point in your narrative where they relate! How I miss the days of the Tom Swift Jr. books, where the illustration of Chow Winkler (the comic relief character and of course the cook for the Swifts) running into the room, holding a serrated knife in one hand and a squirrel in the other, with the caption of "Tom! Bud! Them hornswaggling Kranjovians are trying to steal your plans for the Atomic Subterranean Anorexposer!" actually occurs on a page where Tom and his mom are using laser-guided CO2 pellets to restore a fallen souffle in the Swifts' kitchen/laboratory complex, and the Kranjovian spy plot (that was effectively thwarted by Bud Barclay running into the Lab yelling "Hey! You Kranjovians! Get out of here!") ended approximately 3 chapters back.
Oh my, it must be time for my meds...
It's great stuff! Thanks for sharing, and getting enough press that Yahoo picked up an article on you, so I could "discover" you!

11:46 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, I'm one of the people who discovered your blog via today's article in Yahoo! News.

Your writing is phenomenal AND funny. You set the pace for other bloggers everywhere.

You can be sure that I'll be returning to read and enjoy. Thanks for your hard work!

11:49 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG the funniest thing I've read in months! Laughing so hard, I nearly drowned on my own saliva during the stick of butter passage, but I fortunately made it out alive. I shall live to read another day. THANK YOU! And thanks to yahoo for guiding this Dallasite to your NY focused blog :)

11:50 AM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger ariane sommer said...

you go girl!
can't wait to see a young, fun woman with a sharp pen writing a column in one of these papers where they usually hire old taco-farts to do the job

11:53 AM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger The Wayward Chef said...

Thank you for saving me from having to torture myself through one more Bruni's review...

I had been hoping he'd choke on something and have to be replaced. But now, I think he shouldn't - just so I can keep reading your blog!

Brilliant.

11:58 AM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Fortuna said...

I'd love to try and help you get an agent, or at least add to the general melee and confusion. This stuff is great. Finding literary agents for offbeat geniuses is what I do, when I'm not sitting around reading blogs... let me know if you want to tawlk.

12:00 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Podshoppinblog.com said...

I read about your site. I had to come out here to check it out. Good job!

12:01 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Tom said...

Jules' ostentatious command of the english language is humble enough to hate a man for pretending to know what he's talking about, yet enticing enough to keep him coming back for more abuse. One can't help but imagine himself plucking pieces of spicy black cod from her furry cap with his teeth while she towers above him in black dominatrix leather, bitching about form.

Yank on the leash Wednesday Jules and I'll come stumbling to your door!

12:03 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the many, many sent to find you via Yahoo!

I was blown away. Congratulations.

12:03 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger SuperAmanda said...

Yeah, I'm another "Yahoo Ewe" but I am a Gyros from the corner kabob shop where the meat hangs on the spit for weeks which means I'm the real deal...

AWESOME WORK!

12:04 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Natalie said...

DAAAAAAAaaaaaaaannnnngggg!!!! You're good. Some funny shit, lil' girl.

12:04 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious pose intertwined with creativity; your post seemed to jump over the fence between the two quite profoundly. ;)

12:11 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous shunks said...

wow! your blog not only doesn't suck, but actually made me laugh. out loud. pictures and everything... i only rent on the interweb, i dont live here like yall, but damn, you put me to shame. +1.

12:14 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger promdressesrock.com said...

Jules:

I never laughed so much before. Laughing is healthy. I hope to remain healthy by reading your blog daily. I am sold!

Keep up the good work.

12:16 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

found this on yahoo. Hilarious! Keep up the good work!

12:16 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is hilarious. Snooty critics, looking to sabotage the efforts, and FAR less importantly, the dreams of hard working restaurant owners, beware! ;o)

12:18 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous shunks said...

PS - his review is confusing enough that i can imagine the restaurant owners considering posting it up on their wall. 'he said the food is ethereal! that's good, right?' 'no, but, it's TOO ethereal.'

12:18 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being from Texas, this is all way over my head. But hey, I did see the humor. Great job spelling it out for me!

12:18 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From France I write and, while I get it, do not quite understand your youthful need to blight this poor fellow every week. Once was not enough? If you feel the need to continue, please improve your grammar and syntax. At the very least, your writing will be better than that of old count Frankie!

12:21 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Gregg O'Connell said...

you're famous! i saw an article about you on the frontpage of yahoo!
congrats!

greggoconnell.com

12:25 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a devoted cook undergoing trial by fire these past four years to become a chef, who is already sick of the garbled language, needless snobbery, and overall phony sentiment surrounding food since the 80s explosion of haute cuisine in the US - perpetuated and worsened from blister to festering sore by affected dinosaurs like Bruni - I thank you. Directed here by yahoo, I am very grateful. You leap the fence from razor wit to unbearable lightness of culinary perception with admirable agility, with just a soupcon of blackest cynicism.... or something.

12:30 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wandered into your world after reading about you on Yahoo's homepage. What a wonderful blog! I will definitely be back to read more as you poke fun at Bruni. Great fun!

12:31 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Reality Hammer said...

The title: why, he's describing the fence, of course.

12:32 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never even read the times, but I can tell when someone is getting ripped a new one. nice.

12:35 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Denny Conroy said...

It is funny how the press makes one famous, funny, ficticous, and now favorable to which the web article has done to you. The article recently passed was my first installment. Your form of sattire ha ha funny is what brings me to read and i will again someday but not tomorrow maybe the next. Thank You one of your 10000 web hits for the day. Good Day Denny Conroy

12:45 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Roman said...

Love the pics. Love your work. Guessing you will break 10k hits this week. Keep on kickin' butt.

1:02 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Heartwing said...

See...you're a star! And not a day too late! Just don't forget the little people...
L.A., from California where we "get" everything

1:04 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Mr Bumley said...

I'm just a countryboy from the country. I thought the title was about the beef. Like Schrodinger's cat, Bruni's beef exists in two states at once: beef and not-beef. I'ld like to get me some. Looks like fifteen minutes are upon you. Be bold, good luck.

2:03 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Ron said...

This is pretty damned funny. Kudos.

2:06 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not only did I get it, but now I want more! I found your wry style to be in line with my other favorites, Bill Bryson and televisionwithoutpity.com so I will add you to the few things this busy girl gets to read each week. Good luck with the increased attention...yes, Yahoo brought me too. I hope it makes you less of a poor people, and hope that you can indulge in some pricey grub soon...
Nikki in Maryland

2:25 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger BluLimon said...

Hey Jules!

I work at a Spanish News statioin NYC and I got word of your blog.

This is what the Associated Press wrote about your blog...

Hit me back! I just started by blog, so it's a bit boring...

Keep up the great work!
****************************
BC-NY--FoodBlogging 1stLd-Writethru750 11-12 0797
BC-NY--Food Blogging, 1st Ld-Writethru750
Sassy blogger takes on NYT chief food critic
Eds: SUBS graf 14, "In the past..." to CORRECT quote to 'pot'
shots
AP Photos
By ADAM GOLDMAN
Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK (AP) -- Meet Julia Langbein, chief mocker of Frank Bruni
-- the chief restaurant critic of The New York Times.
It's early Wednesday morning and Langbein, 24, is tapping at her
laptop in the cramped Brooklyn apartment she shares with three
other people. The Times's Dining Out section has hit the Internet
and newsstands.
Bruni has passed judgment on his latest dinner. Langbein is
passing judgment on Bruni.
Langbein's 10-month-old blog, "The Bruni Digest" has made her
a quasi-cult figure among those who read the most influential
foodie in the country's most powerful newspaper.
"This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every
Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge
Faberge egg of hilarity," Langbein tells readers. She imagines
Bruni as a "Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar," doling out
stars from "the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber
robe."
Bruni holds sway over a vast kingdom of restaurants in a city
obsessed with eating. New Yorkers use his critiques to decide
whether they should try the latest adventure in highfalutin dining.
Langbein's weekly lampoon has evolved into a sassy counterpoint
to Bruni's culinary dispatches. For many, they can't read Bruni's
review without reading her parallel parody.
Take this acerbic sample from her Nov. 2 posting:
"Usually the Count, trained in the infamously razor-witted
journalistico-priestly salons of Berlusconi-era Rome, has a firm
grasp on subtle humor. But this week, Frank is taking everything
literally, in an autistic Amelia Bedelia way."
Whether he likes it or not, Bruni, who was once Rome bureau
chief for The Times, has a literary doppelganger he can't shed.
"I went there once or twice for a nanosecond but I didn't read
much," Bruni said of the site. "I thought it was funny. It
certainly didn't bother me in the least but maybe if I was more
familiar with the site and read more of it, I'd have a different
opinion."
Part of what makes Langbein's musings unusual is her devotion to
-- or some might say obsession with -- Bruni. For years, sites such
as egullet.org, chowhound.com, and more recently mouthfulsfood.com,
have held online forums where people can rail against or praise
those holding the perceived and real power.
William Grimes, the former Times restaurant critic who until
2004 decided the fate of many restaurants, said Langbein has raised
the blogging stakes. Restaurant critics beware, Grimes said. Stay
off the Internet. It can be unsettling.
"In the past, it was random pot shots," Grimes said. "Now, it
seems that you're in grave danger of being stalked on the Internet
by a philosophical assassin. The idea of having a lifetime project
dedicated to analyzing your every facial tic is frightening."
Langbein, who writes and performs comedy when not working for
the city's cultural affairs department, is far from terrifying -- at
least in person. She comes across as more college student than
character assassin.
Langbein began her poison-pen campaign by sending an e-mail to
friends filled with Brunisms, but it became so popular she decided
to create the Bruni blog, where she lovingly takes jabs at Bruni's
"elaborate writing style."
Among the Bruni prose that she has railed against: "And it
might be more fun if the flesh on those tapered limbs were better.
But chicken was dry. Two kinds of steak met one kind of fate:
flavorlessness. Tuna joined them in that ignoble, insipid land."
Or, "That venison was infused with a blackberry tea that
conspired with the overcooked meat to turn the dish into a murky,
gummy gastronomic apocalypse."
The digest, which takes Langbein 90 minutes to two hours to
complete, now generates on average about a 1,000 hits a week.
"I think I can take credit in expanding his readership in a
major way," Langbein says.
Lots of people have found their way there, including Ruth
Reichl, editor-in-chief of Gourmet magazine. Like Grimes, Reichl
was relieved she didn't have a Langbein or another blogger
shadowing her when she reviewed restaurants for the Times.
"I feel so blessed that I predated the Internet," Reichl said
in an interview earlier this year with a Portland newspaper. "I
look now and there's a Bruni blog. There's some incredibly smart
young woman who makes fun of him on a weekly basis. They would have
done that to me."
------
On the Net:
The Bruni Digest: http://brunidigest.blogspot.com/
The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)
APTV 11-12-05 1351EST

2:29 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous El Jimi said...

dear Jules,

not only are you a national icon, you are also getting a whole lot of international respect, of which i'm the belgian herald (well... yeah :-)).

you are an amazing writer! keep it up!

El Jimi from belgium


PS: got here through yahoo, like so many others.

3:46 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Mona said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:54 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Mona said...

*Oh man, you're in trouble now... I love the person from Spain who added the entire article to the comment section-NICE! At work and a co-worker who knows about my blog sent your article to me. Good for you! I second "anorexposee" bein copyrighted, but my favorite would have to be "TACO FART." great great laughs!

3:59 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger CCritter said...

Annonymous....I'm From Texas and I "get it"! This had me laughing about midway down...on. I live with someone born and raised in NY, and learned NY humor quickly. I found this site off My MSN Homepage. Glad I did, as this Blog hits a Food Critic right where it needs to....Electronic NATIONAL print! Keep it up Girl! My favorite of all your gems. the "dave matthews talking in the back of your Saab" section made me howl, I could just see and hear it. Very very damn funny.

5:24 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How to make an Ethereal Steak:

Choose a nice cow and knock it. Once the cow begins to fall, be mindful where the spirit comes out. Discard the carcass and save the spirit. This part requires no cooking, simply carve off a nice slab, pour a scoop of ectoplasm over the steak and season to taste. Serve.

Er...are you sure this is ectoplasm...tastes awfully familiar...

5:40 PM, November 12, 2005  
Anonymous pamela said...

I'd think the Times would consider offering you a chance to prove clarity is always best by giving you a shot at writing a restaurant review column. At least it would eschew obfuscation, and you wouldn't bill the paper for new brocaded jackets.

7:50 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Bethles said...

Congratulations... your blog made AOL news and now you're freaking famous. And a word of warning to any of your readers... never drink water, or any other liquid for that matter, while reading this blog. It will get up your nose.

9:22 PM, November 12, 2005  
Blogger Justin Kreutzmann said...

Good stuff, very funny. Really glad Super Amanda turned me on to your Blog. The REAL reviews.
Look forward to reading more.

12:07 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Dennis said...

Holy shit. You're awesome -- you made my shitty night better. Thank you for being. I am happy I read your funny writing.

12:19 AM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger Rachel said...

Jules, awesome awesome awesome. Just wanted to say congrats and this all made me laugh hysterically even though I'm the last person to read Bruni, in fact, never have. You rock!

1:44 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ANOTHER PSEUDO INTELLECT LOSER.

This woman like all bloggers is an unemployed
loser with little intellectual skills but
unending belief in her intelligence. Like
most bloggers, she can't find suitable employment so she creates a useless and childish byline because of her need for
attention. She knows nothing of food and
has little of importance to say, thus
she is compelled to lampoon a genuine
food critic to bring him down to her
level to compensate for her personal
failures...

2:39 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cramped Brooklyn apartment she shares with three other people...Some day she will get her own house like Bruni...will she?

2:50 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cramped Brooklyn apartment she shares with three other people...Some day she will get her own house like Bruni...will she?

2:50 AM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger Justin Kreutzmann said...

"fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."
- Jerry Garcia

3:32 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As an Native New Yorker living in Korea, bumping into your blog courtesy of Yahoo! truly made me homesick. There is nothing better than making fun of fake and pretentious thesaurus hogs like this critic of yours. Great job!

By the way, I eat Korean food...I couldn't imagine what Korean-French fusion could look or taste like....I shudder to think....

6:22 AM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger tiredoldguy said...

Just to let you know, you have made it to the "Heatland"! Following an article in the Fort Wayne Indiana News Sentinel, this displaced New Yorker hunted down your site. Your take on this critic is amazing!!! In actuality, he is every critic and you nailed him perfectly. Even in Fort Wayne we have critcs who think "Red Lobster" is supposed to be a five star resturant. keep up the excellent work. I look forward to contiued reading.

8:33 AM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger ThursdayNext said...

Jules, You are the Queen of All Foodies and I am humbled. This is brilliant stuff. This English teacher is mezmerized with your satire. Cheers!

8:48 AM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger just_impaired said...

You're the Robin Williams of Bruni satire. Very funny.

9:59 AM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just fabulous - he really makes me sick, I am a NY transplant living in Ohio, gag, but still get my NYT. You made me stop writing letters to the editor begging for Bruni's exile.

12:19 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Glenn said...

Funny stuff.

Vienna Phil., eh? Very nice.

1:14 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger brooklyn_bound_F_train said...

Oh! Too funny. I came here off the Yahoo article as well. Great stuff! Its been a while since a blogger made me laugh!

Consider it bookmarked!

1:14 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger sabatkes said...

Great Blog! Love your writing style and content! Awesome!

Now that Yahoo picked you up, you are the Blog Master!

I'll have to link your site on my blog!

1:19 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone who has been a target of critics in the past, reading this was OOHH SO SWEET. Keep it up, for the love of God, don't give this man one moments rest.

1:25 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: ANOTHER PSEUDO INTELLECT LOSER
You're not fooling anyone, we know that's you Bruni!!

1:28 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous jen s. said...

i just wanted to let you know that "longest place name" isn't gaelic, it's maori, and it's in New Zealand.

your blog is hilarious, and i'm probably pretty firmly midwestern. i love it that they did a yahoo article about you - time for me to add a bookmark!

1:48 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger BrENDa said...

Fantastic! Great job getting on Yahoo's homepage. Expect to be linked to a thousand more blogs by the end of the day. Bravo!

1:49 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous doom said...

awesome job....too funny....thanks for shitting all over this pompous windbag

1:58 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This man is a painfully obvious caricature of himself.

Good form.

2:04 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous KermitMcDermit said...

Hey, I am a dyed in the wool Southern Native American Irish Catholic, and I love your work. There is nothing that irks me more than some overblown pompous windbag who tried to fill in an entire column with craptastic use of mixed methaphor instead of just saying "food good, wallpaper bad".

Even so, I must finish by adding me critique of another little known eatery, the Waffle House...

The transient versimilitude of the decadent yet underplayed ambience of plastic and missing teeth belies the sheer magnitude of the epicurian delights held within... the exacting crispness of waffle skin is contrasted, not indelicately, but with brutish force the supple interior of the said crisp/baked/fried convection confection. The smooth, melting erotic turn of the butter styled substitue was at once palitable and breathtaking, while yet as to for vis a vis oilicious.

I give the Waffle House a million out of 3 stars for taste, and the waitress who turned me down for sex because she couldn't understand a word I said gets 2 stars.

Bone Appertif.

2:11 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm from Yahoo. You are famous now. That means you have responsibility to continue being funny, and you should probably try to turn this into a profit somehow.

2:13 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Batailleseyes said...

Jules,

Fine work! I look forward to further posts.

To the Anti-Semite,

More than your obvious penchant for self-loathing masturbation, your complete lack of originality in your insults is reason enough to hang yourself from the broken satellite dish mounted atop of your mobile home.

To the Pseudo-Intellect Police,

The fact that you took the time to post that little piece of wisdom illustrates to the world that you, and you alone, possess the rare sensibility required to critique the ingredients lists printed on cans of dog food.

2:14 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger AA said...

I only read this post so far, thanks to Yahoo sending me here, but I think you need to update new readers on the canons of this blog. So far, all I see is very clever critique with a huge amount of sarcasm, and bitterness. What is the reason for choosing Bruni as the target? Do you really disagree with every single line of his writing? Clearly you intend to be comical, but shrouded in satire are very real personal attacks. Since you are now nationally identified to this blog, have you been threatened by a suit yet? I'll watch for your next post, cheers.

2:20 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous midnightstealth said...

Nothing is more tedious than an art critic or theater critic except a food critic. Their pretention gives me the pip.

So, right on, go, girl! Your blog made me smile on a boring Sunday afternoon down here in Austin. (We understand New Yawk humor in Austin).

You are very brainy, Jules, but not clever. You need to age in a wine cellar for a few years with the Bordeaux and refine the bouquet.

You're just a bit full on the pallet -- though with an immediately appealing nose of spearmint, cassis, smoke, sandalwood, and cedar with hints of plum, vegetal cassis, mint
and cranberry.

A bit high in acidity – could use a little more concentration and viscosity to offset the acids -- but definitely amusing in your presumption for one so young.

To be truly clever, you don't have to resort to bathroom humor about pachydermus dephecatus or imagery that's over-the-over-the-top.

You are well read. Go back and re-read your anthology of Oscar O'Flahertie Wilde and some Noel Coward.

Then come back and zap 'em with the dry, subtle put-down.

I'll check on you from time-to-time. Rest easy in the cobwebs in the cellar.

Midnight Stealth

2:45 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jules - you're a riot. I find great humor in Bruni's reviews and was trying to imagine how you could translate Howie Moscowitz's equally indecipherable and "etheral" movie reviews on Colorado NPR.

By the way, it's just dumb folks who don't get the humor, it has nothing to do with geography.

aa - You're a snowboarder. Need anyone know more?

Hey Austinite - get a grip. Go hang out in the new Whole Foods superstore a little bit more or join the Book People book of the week club. You're just a little too cool for this blog.

Keep up the hilarity!

3:01 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jules - you're a riot. I find great humor in Bruni's reviews and was trying to imagine how you could translate Howie Moscowitz's equally indecipherable and "ethereal" movie reviews on Colorado NPR.

By the way, it's just dumb folks who don't get the humor, it has nothing to do with geography.

aa - You're a snowboarder. Need anyone know more?

Hey Austinite - get a grip. Go hang out in the new Whole Foods superstore a little bit more or join the Book People book of the week club. You're just a little too cool for this blog.

Keep up the hilarity!

3:03 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger Malkin said...

just another one who rolled in from Yahoo!

I love the blog. I'll definitely be back!

3:09 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Dokoneo said...

Congratulations!
As a Texan I find your "deconstruction" of people who take themselves too seriously quite refreshing. I feel special because I did not come to your blog via yahoo but from our local newspaper the "Tyler Courier/Times-Telegraph. Oh well there are many ways around the barn and it seems you have arrived. Always remember the true nature of human behavior and never forget where you came from and you may not fall into the trap of "taking yourself too seriously"
In Christ, Mike

3:15 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger midnightstealth said...

anonymous - i figured you as a cheerleader -- you sent your posting twice.

3:32 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

midnightstealth - I am sure you have never had an issue with your computer where a posting is sent before you meant for it to be sent. There is a misspelling in the first one, and was never meant to post. I was, however, a cheerleader for Halloween. A trailer park trash, vampire one, but a cheerleader nonetheless. Freudian overtones, perhaps?

Anyway, as this is a comment section for Jules, I say J-U-L-E-S, go Jules, go Jules. GOOOOOOOO, JULES! YEAAAAAA!

3:44 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger midnightstealth said...

anonymous -- then we are on the same sheet. if you look at my post at the top it says, "right on, go girl!"

so, at halloween you really WERE a cheerleader. alllllright! (i was just picking at you lightly).

95 percent of the comments directed at jules are cheering her on. i understand the excitement. she's creaming this crashing bore. but i'm sure SHE gets bored reading wall-to-wall compliments and enjoys an occasional post that pokes back at her.

i'd like to meet her. bet in addition to good nose she has good legs, too.

jules. show us your legs!

3:56 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did someone say law suit? If that ever happens just let me know how I can contribute to your legal defense.

4:12 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

midnightstealth - at the risk of other posters saying "get a room,"
I was born and raised in Austin, but have not lived there now for over 10 years. Even though I now live in a small mountain town in Colorado, I have the wisdom to know that it is not just Austinites (or transplanted Austinites) who "get" things. People everywhere, even in the great State of Texas (including Tyler ^) catch on. If Jules goes the ways of many bloggers and gets a big head, I think then, we can bring her down a notch. But now, there is no reason for her not to ride on the wave of some wonderful, and positive comments(for the most part - besides the one I won't name, who I am sure is the same person, but who decided to turn this into an area for hate). I too was joking - come on, I bet you hang out at Whole Foods and Book People, don't you. You know you do.

Jules - YEA

4:20 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger midnightstealth said...

anonymous -- i went to whole foods once -- about five years ago. wasn't my thing. i like central grocery on lamar so i go there occasionally. i don't even know where book people is. never been there. for books, i hang out at the ut library when i'm in town. i live north of austin.

great to hear from an austinite. i visit friends at longmont north of denver occasionally.

4:34 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger midnightstealth said...

anonymous-- is book people at 6th and lamar where the artsy liteary set hangs out?

midnightstealth@hotmail.com

4:46 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Central Market rocks! The UT Library rocks! Yes, you got it right about Book People. I just figured with your wine commentary you were of that set. I now know you you have a sense of humor. Many thanks that you have not bought into that "I am superior, because I am from Austin" crap. Enjoy your endeavors!

Jules, just so you know, as though you didn't, there are an awful lot of individuals like Bruni wandering around this planet. Thanks for highlighting at least one of them. Keep up the good (funny as hell, drink spewing) work.

5:07 PM, November 13, 2005  
Blogger Justin Kreutzmann said...

Jules, the strangest part of this to me is I've never heard of Bruni. Being from California and not much of a food section reader, this Blog is all I know of him. Might actually read some Bruni just because of it!

10:15 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent work to decipher Mr. Bruni's cryptic column.

'I ain't got no time for no Jibba-Jabba' -Mr. T

11:04 PM, November 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think "ANOTHER PSEUDO INTELLECT LOSER." Must have been writing about Bruni:

This FOOD CRITIC like all FOOD CRITICS was an unemployed
loser with little intellectual skills but unending belief in HIS intelligence. Like most FOOD CRITICS, couldn’t find suitable employment so HE created a useless and childish byline because of HIS need for attention. HE knows nothing of food and has little of importance to say, thus HE is compelled to lampoon genuine CHEFS/RESTAURANTS to bring them down to HIS level to compensate for HIS personal
failures...
_________________________

He thinks he's so smart 'cuz he can use words like "thus" and "lampoon".

It's probably Bruni who wrote that.

I'm laughing my ass off, can't wait 'til next week...

1:09 AM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Pip Harper said...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I just saw that the "other blog" linked to me, and I was very excited to see the Geoduck love. I thought I'd stop by to see if anything new was up. I SEE 92 COMMENTS. That's, like, a buttload after Mexican food. I take it the AP thing was a hit?

4:49 AM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Mel said...

First time I've been over here. Very funny stuff! I'll be back.

7:03 AM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laffed my ass off, then had to send the cat out for superglue. You are a wonderfully wicked person and dangerous with a loaded phrase. Signore bruni, avere paura, è molto impaurito (be afwaid be vewy afwaid).

11:15 AM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is deliberate yet ambidextrous. I enjoy your subtle, and obvious, hidden exposes of the purest tainted pretention ever witnessed by eyes that do not see in a conventional manner. The flow of your writing is a wispy vapor composed of immovable solids and Higg's particles. Like the thuds and groans of a homeless drunk toppling down the subway stairs, your words cause me to turn and watch with sadistic compassion. Thank you. My name is Daryn and I am anonymously yours.

10:12 AM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"As a Texan I find your "deconstruction" of people who take themselves too seriously quite refreshing."

Haha! You mean like Texans? Lost in a carny mirror house of self-conscious Texanism!

10:16 PM, November 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm "Anonymous" but I can't lay claim to writing all of the posts labeled as such. Someone is submitting posts using my name. Anyway, enough of that. You are very funny, Jules, especially now that I've sprung for a dictionary.

5:17 PM, December 28, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fabulous anayasis of Dorahn. U hit the nail on the head, Great instincts!

7:56 AM, April 20, 2006  

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