The Bruni Digest

In which I sit on a dirt mound somewhere in Brooklyn with my ears pricked, waiting for New York Times head restaurant critic Frank Bruni, who I imagine to be a Venetian count in a huge ruffled collar, to dole out stars from the inside breast pocket of his brocaded chamber robe. This blog is predicated on the suggestion that every Wednesday, in the Times Dining Out section, Frank lays a huge faberge egg of hilarity.

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Location: New York, New York, U.S. Outlying Islands

I am fiscally irresponsible, which means I have weak bones and a dorsal fin. And a penchant for dining out, even though I am, in the words of many rich people, a "poor people". I make a different face when speaking each of the foreign languages in which I am shittily proficient.

Monday, November 14, 2005

For those of you just Bruning in...

If you were deposited here via Yahoo, USA Today, Washington Post, and many other local papers that ran this AP article about me and the Digest, welcome!

To those preacquainted with this project, WASSUP, DOMEPIECES?? Welcome back.

I just want to say this one thing before returning to my normal pattern of Wednesday lampoonery: If you hate Bruni, I'm not your mascot, and if you think he's great, well, I'm thrilled. Like a feather duster on a vestigial prostate, Frank Bruni's style tickles me; I find it funny and I respond. If you see vitriol, you've made it up, if you see typos, they're definitely there, and if you see dead people, relax! You're child actor Haley Joel Osment, and you're sitting on a king's counting-house pile of cinematic golden duckets.


Blogger Justin Kreutzmann said...

Thank you for clearing that up. I see (Grateful) Dead people all the time, now about those golden duckets....a friend turned me on to your Blog, don't trust the AP (see my blog for explanation).
As far as this Bruni character goes, you could be making him up for all I'm concerned. Your Blog is an entertaining read.

11:23 AM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous midnightstealth said...


Jules, that sounds like boilerplate disclaimerism to ward off a lawsuit. No?


Actually, I have you figured out now. You were hired by the New York Times to spur readership and circulation. NYT publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. was on the Charlie Rose show last week talking about how they have been very aggressive of late in doing things to do just that.

I would ask for a raise. You've got people from all over the USA saying they never heard of Bruni but will start reading him now!

Go girl!


11:50 AM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laffed my ass off, then had to send the cat out for superglue. You are a wonderfully wicked person and dangerous with a loaded phrase. Signore bruni, avere paura, รจ molto impaurito (be afwaid be vewy afwaid).

12:22 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Dont_Feed_The_Meter said...

...and furthermore, ( OK I signed up - I couldn't resist the free toaster-oven )...

1:12 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Dick said...

Down here in the swamps of Cajun Texas we very often miss which "it" restaurant Sr. Frank is serving up like last year's crawfish -- that being a tad old and stiff. Your writing is hilarious. One doesn't have to read Bruni or follow restaurant critiques to appreciate and laugh at your incisively playful prose.
ghanpybk is the word verification I am seeing. I think that will make a nifty salutation.

1:39 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger BADGE said...

Congrats Jules on getting the national coverage you deserve.


2:15 PM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about a shout-out for those of us with you since the (fairly) beginning? These johnnys-come-lately are threatening our street cred!

3:13 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger happy-go paradeboy said...

Dearest Master Julesbean,
congrats on becoming a scanner crush of the week. They captured your good side. As for the Yahoo/AP listing, sigh...Bruni Digest, the La Esquina of the blogging world. I'm sure Mary-Kate and Ashley are reading your archives at this very moment.

3:54 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Mel said...

Yeah, that's how I found you and I'm glad I did. Very funny stuff! I really don't care who this Bruni guy is.

6:00 PM, November 14, 2005  
Blogger Sam said...

I'm with the Dick poster, the poster named Dick from Cajun country, that is. I haven't had so much fun since when my brother went outside to take a dump and the piglets got after him. He was fine after a fashion - and I'm sure you will be too, after a nice hot shower.

6:06 PM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you mean "ducats" and not "duckets."

6:06 PM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone who has been lurking since almost the beginning, kudos on the mentions and keep up the stunningly hilarious good work! I rip open Bruni on Weds if only to get your take later in the day!

6:25 PM, November 14, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get it?


10:54 AM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous John said...

Sorry I don't have much of an appetite for your writing, but I do like the use of images to help make your points. Nice hat too.

12:45 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Sam said...

I think that's exactly the point, John. Mr, Bruni sometimes uses very visual images in is writing, which Jules or Beans or whoever she calls herself then mocks irreverently but in a nice way with ... pictures. Not to put her in a box, it is multi-media without the musical sound track. Thank goodness for that! The words are perhaps more like stage directions, like "Exit Bottom" in a Midsummer Night's Dream script, with a nice Latin or European snap to it, but nothing more.

1:21 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Maringuy said...

Anybody who thinks your blog is anything short of raw hilarity shouldn't be reading, and rather should be locked in a room and forced to watch Chris Guest movies on repeat, one after the other, until they emerge with a sense of humor. Thanks for the fun reads!

4:54 PM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous Terry O'Neill said...

My duckets. My dotter. Whatever.

4:18 PM, November 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol I'm new to the blog too, but MAN what a read. I'm in Nashville, TN and have never read a review from Bruni... I don't think I need to. The blog on it's own is hilarious stuff! Thanks and keep writing!

3:36 PM, November 18, 2005  

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